Heart and Soul

First of all, I would like to admit that I am not a deeply religious person for several reasons. But I believe in God or in something greater than ourselves. I am still striving to arrive at some meaning in my life.There is something my sister said to me yesterday. I can't remember exactly how she said it, but I am going to try to put it into some kind of context. To anyone reading this please feel free to help me out on this.She was talking about how two entities can work thru people: one is God and the other is the devil. The devil will do anything to make you unhappy. And, of course, God works thru love and understanding.

One can make you do hurtful things to others and to yourself, i.e., depression, guilt, etc.

I have done a little reading in Buddhism. It really makes a lot of sense to me. Our greatest problem is the ego (the "I"). The ego is selfish, it is meant to look after and protect ourselves, but it goes overboard. (I wish I could find my notes on this, it would make it so much easier.) We need to get rid of the ego. Everything on earth is made of the same substance - God or whatever higher power we believe in. It could be Mother Earth. ( I am having trouble putting this together.)

We are all made of the same substance, no one is better than anyone else. We are all made from "God" and the good that comes from that. The devil works through the ego. What we don't like in each other or in the world means we have to look inside ourselves. Other people and the world are a mirror to our own souls.

And there are different roles in the world to be played by different players for a reason: One role may be that of the abuser, the other of the abused, etc. etc. I need to stop right now. Can't remember what I wanted to say. I will get this all together and post on it real soon. Thanks for your patience.

Take My Hand

Where I am weak, give me strength
to understand.
To forgive others their weakness.
A light that cannot be extinguished
by the hands and words of cruelty.
Add beauty unto the depraved
of mind.
Give innocence a chance to be
innocent and learn the truths of life
through innocent eyes.

Take my hand, not my life!

I Love You Sis with all my Heart and Soul

Too much time has passed by. I have thought about my sister a lot these past ten years. About how much I love her and care about her. Yet thinking that she only hates me. How do I find her? Will we ever be together again or at least talk? How she can be such a big part of my life and not be in it. Why we can only get along when talking on the phone but not in person. Does she ever think about me and miss me? Does she ever think about finding a way to find me since I can't find her?.........All the bad dreams I have about going to her house and being in the same room with her but I am invisible. She doesn't see me. We stuck together for so long. Both starving for our own identities. And then the time when our family consisted only of us twins and our children. If I could only find out that she is okay . And have thought about talking to her on the internet if she had a computer - some kind of contact. I have been putting off journaling about "us twins" for a long time because it just hurts too much. Yester day I was going to start dealing with it, but again put it off. Last night I had another bad dream about her. This morning, when we were going to town I heard the song on the radio that her and I used to sing to: " We are fam i ly , I got all my sisters and me." That was our song. One sister but we were one big happy family, sticking together. Thought about her practically all day, missing the times together. Missing my niece and nephew so much. And knowing they have their own families. Are they happy? And then tonight I get "the phone call." I still can't quite believe it. SHE FOUND ME! We have so much to talk about. So much catching up to do. And Sis, when you read this you will understand that the sadness you were feeling today was not your sadness - it was my sadness. How many of each others feeling have we felt the last ten years? I wonder. Often, I was feeling so depressed and having no idea why. We'll, feel this today. Feel happy. I feel so happy you found me. Can you feel it to?

Forgiveness

Living Fully Through Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the greatest healer of all.
-Gerald Jampolsky & Diane V. Cirincione
From "Loving Each Other" by Leo Buscalglia:Of course, forgiving is not an easy process. Our rational mind is not sufficient to instantaneously break through the intricate web of feelings which overcome us when we are wronged. It seems more simple to look for ways to escape our pain. Rather than deal with it, we blame, we accuse, we condemn, we exclude, we damn. Forgiveness can never be realized in an atmosphere of accusation, condemnation, anger and fault finding.
We will only begin to forgive when we can look upon the wrongdoers as ourselves, neither better nor worse. We need to remember that we coexist as mortals in the world, together, the wronged and the wrongdoer, and that, in our common humanity, the situation could readily be reversed... Emotional and psychological pain are at least as debilitating as physical pain. Few of us will escape these pains in our lifetime. It cannot be avoided. It can only be dealt with. Forgiveness is often the major, if only, out. As David Augberger puts it, "Forgiveness is letting what was, be gone; what will be, come; what is now, be." It is a freeing of self from the past and facing the future wiser, with renewed hope and faith. Forgiveness is often called an unconditional gift of love. This implies not that, "I will forgive you if or when," but, "I will forgive you because I must, if I ever hope to continue to live fully."

My beautiful present

It's my son's birthday. If you want to see more of these go to: www.stupidsomething.blogspot.com Eight pictures total. They will not be available after a few days. ENJOY! My son sure did. It meant a lot to him; more than he could ever say.

My poem "Heart and Soul"

Perhaps I am a mountain dreamer
in thinking life should be fair. What I see
from my mountaintop the moon, the stars
the love in life is not really there.

Is it all an illusion of dreams and hopes
that shatter all around me
when reaching out to embrace with love
the people that simply don't care.

They were put on my path in life
not chosen by me..
But in my attempt to be loving and faithful
to try to give them hope and not be hateful.

What really hurts the most in life to realize you
are alone in strife. No one really cares.
Pretention is all that matters. To care only how the
"I" is treated. To turn your back on real love
When it is no longer needed.

Not caring about the hurt and anguish
you inflict along the way.
Are hearts and souls that replaceable
that one can simply toss them away.

They only teach me not to care. trying to convince myself,
living in despair, that I am not like them. If they would take the time to see
the real me, to love the real me, then they would know what is in my heart is real.

First Grade School Play

Wow. Look at my mask. Even back then I was learning how to play hide and seek. When my extreme shyness would not work, I could pull down my mask, or just find me a hidey spot. I was the little girl in the brown shirt. I remember going to the movies during the time this picture was taken and the usher telling my older brother that I could not sit on his lap. The first day of kindergarden, a boy a little older than I was, was walking home from school with me. We lived in the projects and when I was almost to my house he told me to take off my coat and lay it on the ground. I was so scared and knew exactly what he was going to do. My parents drove up just in time and I ran to the car.

"Us Twins"

A few years before my mother died I asked her a couple questions. Why did you let my older brothers sexually abuse us. ( This is not just a case of little boys and girls, living in a family, experimenting with sex. Two of my brothers were eleven and twelve years older.) She said that T. told her that we used to stay home and have orgies together. I said "WHAT." For heavens sake we were just little girls. She exclaimed, "Well that is what he said." (Whoever said anything first to her is what she always believed. Why did I always keep my mouth shut trying to protect everybody?) I showed her a picture of when "Us Twins" just woke up from a nap, we were 5 years old. "Does this look like someone who would be home having orgies?" " Well, that is what he said." Why did you let it continue? " I didn't know anything about it." I asked, "What about the time, when we were six, you took us to a social worker because you found white stuff on our panties?" Well, I kept them away from you after that." No, you did not, MOTHER, we were continually left alone for years after. They babysat us a lot of times when you and dad went out drinking and square-dancing.

Sunshine On My Shoulders Makes Me Happy...

Hope Reigns

stardust

Land of the free, home of the brave..
where from every tragedy springs unity,
and from every kindness...hope.
Where every tear reveals a blessing,
and every misfortune...a lesson.
Where every loss summons truth,
and every thought...a manifestation.
Only when faced with darkness..
Can we begin to see the light.

(Don't know who to attribute this to. I found it in my notes.)