heartandsoul

Posted: earlier than the first one today, because it needs to be read after that one as prologue.

Mom, did you ever wonder what I would be like when I grew up. Did you want to know what I yearned for. Did you know that from the age of 14 that I wanted to help out families in trouble? I couldn't stand the way men whip up on them and use females, from the time they were babies(changing their diapers) and use them for their own pleasures, to see families split apart because of divorce. I always hated arguments and it hurt me to see when people couldn't get along, especially family members. Do you know that I practiced the most important aspect of what a therapist needs, active listening, from the time I was (can't really remember what age.) I even practiced marriage counseling when I was l5.

Did you know that I almost made straight A's , all through school, and on into college and graduate school. I had to study damn hard for those grades because I couldn't do it on my brains alone, only with determination. And because I always had a lot more responsibilities and other things that were more important. But, I also managed to get elected to student council, be in Y-Teens, and the swimming team. And I always had some kind of job since the age I could. Helped you with your chores everyday and spent all day Saturdays cleaning every square inch of our two story house and never rebelled. Meanwhile, brothers were allowed to be out having fun, because boys don't do housework. And, how I had to work enough hours, since dad passed away when I was 15, in order to buy my own food and clothes and anything I needed, because you threw everything up in my face. Do you know that I was the only one in the family to get a college education, except for sis, who got her A.A. degree?

Did you ever see all the crying I did ,when I lost my dad, and how it bothered me for a long time after and even to this very day, because no one had an idea that kids needed consolation too.

Did you know I tried to kill myself when I was 14 because everyone hated me and I was such a disappointment to every one.
Remember, one time you came to visit me when I lived in Canada and I tried to talk to you about how X was very abusive, wanting some advice of how I could make it stop. And, all you could say was, "You made your bed, lie in it."

I won't go on, mother, it's not really necessary. I thought a lot about what you good qualities were. The only real thing that stands out is that you found 'My Daddy' for me and how he was there to save our family.

I was going to get all the rest of brothers birthdays out of the way too, but you know I think I just did. What are birthdays anyways if they only bring out heartaches.

So, that's it with birthdays, until next month. I have a very special one to celebrate, My Father's.

So, I am going to take a sabatical from my mind until then.

See you in August.

WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY STAY IN ONE PLACE ANYMORE?

heartandsoul

I just received the weirdest phone call. Some girl called and asked for (my husband's name.) I asked who it was, a tad bit of anger portraying in my voice, because we receive so many tele-marketer calls. She kinda went oh, ah , hm and told me her name. She spoke so quietly, I could hardly hear her, and thought she said some name of a bank. I was ready to give her a ear-full and rudely hang up on her.

So, I asked her what this was all about. She said she was looking for her dad. I still wasn't about to give out any info. about my husband's age, occupation, etc. I asked her what state she lived in, thinking it might be Alaska or Oklahoma. She said Northern GA., and she thinks her dad might be in S. GA. My brain started turning round and round, trying to figure out who in our family might be a long-lost father. Thinking maybe one of my sons, out of wedlock or another in his escapation away from his wife. So I told her there were 3 people, in this family, that I knew of and one in his late 50's, the other two in their late 30's. Her voice raised a pitch and ecststatically, proclaimed, "My dad is in his late 30's."

Thinking of my two sons, I asked her if he was in the army and she said, no, I don't think so. Are you sure he lives in GA? And she said, not really. I told her about one of my son's living in FL. and that there were a lot of ( ) down there, because I was curious and looked it up on the internet last year. And doing some geneology on myself and hubby, told her, "You know their are a lot of ( ) around. "Do you know anyone you could get some more info. from to help you track him." And she said no. "You, know with a last name like that - its not going to be easy. Not like my German, original family name. If you run across one of the D.s you will definitely know they are related. Do you have access to the internet? And she said yes.

So, after calling her "Sweetie" a few times, I told her if I can think of any way that she could be related, I would definitely get back with her.

After hanging up, hubby asked who that was and what it was all about. I told him and were trying to figure it out. Of course, my mind filling in the blanks to the questions he asked. Probably, born out of wedlock or another dead-beat father. Boy, talking about a wide range of emotions coming out. in such a brief time frame between two people, who don't even know each other - ranging from anger to hope, to a let down and back again.

I told hubby how this poor thing was feeling. Last year, I got on the internet, found out every phone number and variations of name changes of my twin sister. I let down my guard one night and called a no. in WA., just knowing and feeling in my heart that this was going to be her. I even sounded defeated and hopeful at the same time. Wanting, not to talk to my sister, yet needing to know that she's okay and has some kind of family around her like I still do. Only, to have a man answer and say " She is not here and hasn't been for a long time and who the hell are you?" I told him sorry, I am just looking for my twin, who has that exact name and lived in WA.last I knew, and told him her age. He said" she is only l6 and she hasn't been home in a long time." He probably thought I was some drug dealer or something. OMG.

I couldn't help but think of this poor soul , on the phone, and how I could help her. (always picking up strays when I can.) Hubby asked what her first name is. I said I don't know. I wanted to get some more info. in order to try and help her. But, I was worried, at the same time, about getting her in trouble, or something. Probably, her mother and step-father went shopping and will be back real soon and left her alone in her thoughts of finding her real 'dad.' Hubby says, "Call her back and ask her." I did and got some more info. out of her, where was she when she was born and where, when she last saw her dad. She told me she saw him last, when she was 3 and talked to him when she was 7. If I can find out anything or help her out I will definitely be calling her back.


So! What is it with families these days. "Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore. I would be so glad to see your face at my door. But, your so far away," Poor sweetie, I wish I didn't feel your hopelessness and helplessness!